In this post, you have the option to either meet Caterina in person or leave her an audio or video message. State which you want and I will happily follow your lead.
[Is this what people normally say to mourners? Wade doesn't know. He feels awkward-- he's not used to doing this sort of thing, but he knows this is what Caterina needs right now.]
You don't have to apologize. If spandex shrank from a few tears I would've been in big trouble after Titanic, let me tell you.
[Even when he's comforting someone, even when he's grieving himself, apparently his need to make crack jokes still marches on. Kind of ironic, really. Wade's hand moves through her hair in gentle strokes, his voice a comforting whisper in her ear.]
Just let it all out, Cat. I won't let you go. Not unless you ask me to.
It's not. [She tries to wipe her tears in vain while still crying.] I shouldn't be burdening you like this and Abel... I should have taken better care of him. Had I been stronger things wouldn't have come to this. I don't deserve anyone's comfort.
[Yet she's not pulling away or asking him to let go. Maybe he's not the only one who is selfish.]
That's not true. [His arms encircle her more tightly as if to cement that declaration.] You're not a burden on me. Not at all. Didn't I already tell you it was okay to cry?
And you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to Abel. If you want to put the blame on anyone... put it all on me. Maybe if I'd been there with him, we both would've gotten out okay. Instead I just ran off on some stupid crusade after a guy who just refuses to die.
[The self-loathing in his voice is palpable.]
I'm sorry, Cat. Wasn't much help to you after all, was I? Couldn't even stop Kite from doing whatever he had planned for you. Maybe I'm the one who should've died back there.
What? No, Wade. [She looks up at him both alarmed and deeply troubled by his admission.] You mustn't say things like that much less believe them. It's alright to have regrets, but suggesting that...
[She shakes her head and says with certainty.] Abel would never permit such a thing. I wouldn't see you dead either. Don't you see we'd be just as hurt if this had happened to you instead? One tragedy doesn't cancel out another.
[One tragedy doesn't cancel out another. It's a beautiful sentiment, to be sure-- the idea that every life is sacred, and the trading of one life for another has no benefit.
But he knows it isn't true. How often had Irene and Domino looked at him after Nate's death in that certain way they had? They never said anything, but he knew what they were thinking-- why had he been spared, a loudmouthed, morally questionable mercenary with more entries in the DSM than Jeffrey Dahmer? Why was he able to keep his life while the supposed savior of the modern world was chosen to sacrifice himself?
The worst thing is, Wade doesn't know either. It doesn't make any sense. And he can't help shaking this feeling that maybe there was something he was supposed to do-- some sort of sequence of events he should have put in motion to ensure that both Nate and Abel could have survived. He supposes he'll never stop thinking that way, not even ten years from now.
His head hurts, and the tightness in his chest has reached unbearable levels, but he still manages to smile down at the woman who needs him right now, one of the first people who, from the outset, treated him like he was an actual person and not some loose cannon to be kept on a leash at all times. He cups her face in a gentle hand, marveling at how the tears have brightened her eyes; how small and fragile she looks now.]
You're so kind, Cat. You know that? Can't say I've met many people who've been as kind to me as you've been. I'm gonna try my best to make it up to you. I don't know how yet, but... if there's anything you might need, I won't be far away. You won't be alone. I promise.
[That should make her happy. Revenge may have blinded him back at the hospital, but otherwise he's been reliable. He doesn't ask for anything. This is exactly what she needs with Abel gone now and yet she's not happy in the slightest.
Wade didn't believe a word she said. Caterina is deeply disappointed by that. She smiles anyways.]
I appreciate your promises and kind words as always. I must admit being left alone without Abel present is a fear of mine. Still I'd have much rather heard, 'You're right, Cat. That really was a foolish thing for me to think. I won't make that mistake again.' I suppose we can't always get what we want.
[She gently removes his hand from her face.] You really ought to rest and so should I. We'll check in on each other later.
I'm sorry, Cat. You've been so kind to me, all this time-- even knowing what I really am; what I look like. And I understand what you're trying to do for me. I do. It's just... I can't--
[He breaks off. Now is not the time for self-pity. The last thing Caterina needs is a mercenary feeling sorry for himself. He nods, and tries to ignore the strange thrill that arises at the feeling of his hand in hers.]
You're probably right. A few hours of sleep will do us both some good. You, uh... you sure you don't need anything else?
[Caterina mulls it over for a moment before smiling gently.] You don't owe me an apology. These things take time and I am confident I will win you over to my way of thinking.
[She squeezes his hand before releasing it.] You've done all you can for me. Worry about yourself for a little while.
[He doesn't want to leave her. He can't remember the desire to stay with someone being so strong before, and as always, it's for a selfish reason. It isn't just because she's now the only connection he has to Abel. It's also because leaving her will force him to be with his own thoughts, his own insecurities and obsessions of could-have-beens and if-I-had-only-done-thises and he knows if he thinks about it too hard-- thinks about Abel's kind face smiling at him though the good times and the bad-- he will lose it.
But it's wrong to keep her up like this-- he can tell by the weariness in her face that she's exhausted. No choice but to go their separate ways for now; give each other a chance to mourn in privacy.]
I'll do my best.
[It's really all he can say. Reluctantly, he releases her and steps back; attempts one final smile.]
Sleep well, Wade. [She returns the smile easily before heading back into her apartment and shutting the door quietly behind her. It'll be a miracle if she'll actually manage to get her nightgown back on before she passes out, but she sure will try.]
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[Is this what people normally say to mourners? Wade doesn't know. He feels awkward-- he's not used to doing this sort of thing, but he knows this is what Caterina needs right now.]
You don't have to apologize. If spandex shrank from a few tears I would've been in big trouble after Titanic, let me tell you.
[Even when he's comforting someone, even when he's grieving himself, apparently his need to make crack jokes still marches on. Kind of ironic, really. Wade's hand moves through her hair in gentle strokes, his voice a comforting whisper in her ear.]
Just let it all out, Cat. I won't let you go. Not unless you ask me to.
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[Yet she's not pulling away or asking him to let go. Maybe he's not the only one who is selfish.]
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And you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to Abel. If you want to put the blame on anyone... put it all on me. Maybe if I'd been there with him, we both would've gotten out okay. Instead I just ran off on some stupid crusade after a guy who just refuses to die.
[The self-loathing in his voice is palpable.]
I'm sorry, Cat. Wasn't much help to you after all, was I? Couldn't even stop Kite from doing whatever he had planned for you. Maybe I'm the one who should've died back there.
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[She shakes her head and says with certainty.] Abel would never permit such a thing. I wouldn't see you dead either. Don't you see we'd be just as hurt if this had happened to you instead? One tragedy doesn't cancel out another.
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But he knows it isn't true. How often had Irene and Domino looked at him after Nate's death in that certain way they had? They never said anything, but he knew what they were thinking-- why had he been spared, a loudmouthed, morally questionable mercenary with more entries in the DSM than Jeffrey Dahmer? Why was he able to keep his life while the supposed savior of the modern world was chosen to sacrifice himself?
The worst thing is, Wade doesn't know either. It doesn't make any sense. And he can't help shaking this feeling that maybe there was something he was supposed to do-- some sort of sequence of events he should have put in motion to ensure that both Nate and Abel could have survived. He supposes he'll never stop thinking that way, not even ten years from now.
His head hurts, and the tightness in his chest has reached unbearable levels, but he still manages to smile down at the woman who needs him right now, one of the first people who, from the outset, treated him like he was an actual person and not some loose cannon to be kept on a leash at all times. He cups her face in a gentle hand, marveling at how the tears have brightened her eyes; how small and fragile she looks now.]
You're so kind, Cat. You know that? Can't say I've met many people who've been as kind to me as you've been. I'm gonna try my best to make it up to you. I don't know how yet, but... if there's anything you might need, I won't be far away. You won't be alone. I promise.
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Wade didn't believe a word she said. Caterina is deeply disappointed by that. She smiles anyways.]
I appreciate your promises and kind words as always. I must admit being left alone without Abel present is a fear of mine. Still I'd have much rather heard, 'You're right, Cat. That really was a foolish thing for me to think. I won't make that mistake again.' I suppose we can't always get what we want.
[She gently removes his hand from her face.] You really ought to rest and so should I. We'll check in on each other later.
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I'm sorry, Cat. You've been so kind to me, all this time-- even knowing what I really am; what I look like. And I understand what you're trying to do for me. I do. It's just... I can't--
[He breaks off. Now is not the time for self-pity. The last thing Caterina needs is a mercenary feeling sorry for himself. He nods, and tries to ignore the strange thrill that arises at the feeling of his hand in hers.]
You're probably right. A few hours of sleep will do us both some good. You, uh... you sure you don't need anything else?
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[She squeezes his hand before releasing it.] You've done all you can for me. Worry about yourself for a little while.
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But it's wrong to keep her up like this-- he can tell by the weariness in her face that she's exhausted. No choice but to go their separate ways for now; give each other a chance to mourn in privacy.]
I'll do my best.
[It's really all he can say. Reluctantly, he releases her and steps back; attempts one final smile.]
Sleep well, Caterina.
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