In this post, you have the option to either meet Caterina in person or leave her an audio or video message. State which you want and I will happily follow your lead.
It's... [Nothing? No, they both know that's a lie.] You're welcome. [She hesitates a moment before adding guiltily.] I apologize if I caused you any pain earlier. That couldn't be any further from my intentions toward you.
[That random, ridiculous urge to kiss her rears its ugly head again, and it's a lot harder to suppress it this time. He wants to believe that it's purely out of a need to comfort her, but it isn't just that. He's still hurting, still so numb over Abel's death that he wants to lose himself in something, something that isn't violence and hatred and his own bitter self-loathing.
But he's too cowardly, too frightened of her rejection to even make a move like that. Well, okay-- he also hasn't brushed his teeth yet. Common courtesy. Instead he merely places his hands on her shoulders; looks into her eyes with that same indomitable smile.]
Don't worry, Cat. You can't hurt me. I'm practically indestructible, remember? [He chuckles. It sounds embarrassingly hollow, and eventually he lets it die. His eyes are serious now; contrite.]
I'm... sorry if I hurt you, though. I just... needed to talk to someone. Pretty selfish of me, I know. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I just thought that... [He trails off, unsure of how to even finish that sentence.]
[She smiles bitterly and looks off to the side. Her tone is deceptively casual at first.] Perhaps it was, but Abel always lectured me about closing myself off here. Foolishly, I rarely listened to him. Now that he... won't be here any longer I don't really have anyone to turn to the way I could him. He saw me before...
[She made her heart so hard that nothing could ever breach it. Caterina trails off as well now lost in her own thoughts. It suddenly occurs she's talking about Abel in the past tense. The thought unexpectedly fills her with overwhelming amount of grief. She starts sob uncontrollably. The sound startles her enough to bring her hands up to cover her face, deeply ashamed of losing control even for a moment. She doesn't even notice the fact her legs are getting weak and she'll probably fall at this rate.
It's finally sinking in that Abel isn't coming back this time. Caterina doesn't feel she's handling it with the amount of grace she should.]
[Wade stares at her as she folds in on herself, his heart pounding with terror. He's never seen her like this before-- hell, he never realized she could just completely fall apart like this. How could he be so stupid? He'd spent all this time asserting that she more than just her status as a Cardinal and yet this display of grief for her best friend's death completely snows him.]
Oh... oh, Cat... please don't... don't...
[Wade's words hold a mixture of fear and pain; his voice is rough and broken. He doesn't think about the consequences of his actions-- doesn't think how anything but detachment could potentially completely change their professional relationship, if it hadn't been changed already. He doesn't even consider that maybe she would like to be alone as she had been last time, when he'd caught her crying with relief at his return.
He can't be detached anymore. All he's aware of, all he cares about in this moment... is her.
His arms wrap themselves around her, pulling her flush against his chest while his hands nestle deep into that hair, that beautiful golden hair that he's ashamed to admit he's dreamed about touching on numerous occasions.]
It's okay... I'm here. I know it hurts. I know.
[It's really the most honest thing he can say. How can he say anything else? How can he possibly lie to her and say things were going to be all right when his own tears are spilling freely and silently down his face? When the thought of Abel being dead brings more pain to him than any wound could ever inflict? He doesn't possess enough of an assassin's heart to be false with her like that.
He merely stands there, holding her tightly, and the only indication that his repose has broken at all is the slight but unmistakable hitching of his chest.]
[Caterina doesn't fight the pull; she sinks into it desperately in fact. She's so lonely and tired. For the moment all she wants to do is escape that feeling.]
I'm sorry. [The guilt in her voice run as deep as the grief. She shouldn't be crying in front of him. This wrong. She's showing a weakness that can't be taken back later. What must he think of her? A dying, grief stricken woman who somehow managed to outlive those she held dear? Caterina can't help herself even as she thinks this. Now that she's started she doesn't know how to stop crying.]
I'm so sorry. [She should have kept a closer eye on Abel. She knew how foolish he was. It was inevitable without the Crusnik that this would happen. It's her fault they're grieving at all.]
[Is this what people normally say to mourners? Wade doesn't know. He feels awkward-- he's not used to doing this sort of thing, but he knows this is what Caterina needs right now.]
You don't have to apologize. If spandex shrank from a few tears I would've been in big trouble after Titanic, let me tell you.
[Even when he's comforting someone, even when he's grieving himself, apparently his need to make crack jokes still marches on. Kind of ironic, really. Wade's hand moves through her hair in gentle strokes, his voice a comforting whisper in her ear.]
Just let it all out, Cat. I won't let you go. Not unless you ask me to.
It's not. [She tries to wipe her tears in vain while still crying.] I shouldn't be burdening you like this and Abel... I should have taken better care of him. Had I been stronger things wouldn't have come to this. I don't deserve anyone's comfort.
[Yet she's not pulling away or asking him to let go. Maybe he's not the only one who is selfish.]
That's not true. [His arms encircle her more tightly as if to cement that declaration.] You're not a burden on me. Not at all. Didn't I already tell you it was okay to cry?
And you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to Abel. If you want to put the blame on anyone... put it all on me. Maybe if I'd been there with him, we both would've gotten out okay. Instead I just ran off on some stupid crusade after a guy who just refuses to die.
[The self-loathing in his voice is palpable.]
I'm sorry, Cat. Wasn't much help to you after all, was I? Couldn't even stop Kite from doing whatever he had planned for you. Maybe I'm the one who should've died back there.
What? No, Wade. [She looks up at him both alarmed and deeply troubled by his admission.] You mustn't say things like that much less believe them. It's alright to have regrets, but suggesting that...
[She shakes her head and says with certainty.] Abel would never permit such a thing. I wouldn't see you dead either. Don't you see we'd be just as hurt if this had happened to you instead? One tragedy doesn't cancel out another.
[One tragedy doesn't cancel out another. It's a beautiful sentiment, to be sure-- the idea that every life is sacred, and the trading of one life for another has no benefit.
But he knows it isn't true. How often had Irene and Domino looked at him after Nate's death in that certain way they had? They never said anything, but he knew what they were thinking-- why had he been spared, a loudmouthed, morally questionable mercenary with more entries in the DSM than Jeffrey Dahmer? Why was he able to keep his life while the supposed savior of the modern world was chosen to sacrifice himself?
The worst thing is, Wade doesn't know either. It doesn't make any sense. And he can't help shaking this feeling that maybe there was something he was supposed to do-- some sort of sequence of events he should have put in motion to ensure that both Nate and Abel could have survived. He supposes he'll never stop thinking that way, not even ten years from now.
His head hurts, and the tightness in his chest has reached unbearable levels, but he still manages to smile down at the woman who needs him right now, one of the first people who, from the outset, treated him like he was an actual person and not some loose cannon to be kept on a leash at all times. He cups her face in a gentle hand, marveling at how the tears have brightened her eyes; how small and fragile she looks now.]
You're so kind, Cat. You know that? Can't say I've met many people who've been as kind to me as you've been. I'm gonna try my best to make it up to you. I don't know how yet, but... if there's anything you might need, I won't be far away. You won't be alone. I promise.
[That should make her happy. Revenge may have blinded him back at the hospital, but otherwise he's been reliable. He doesn't ask for anything. This is exactly what she needs with Abel gone now and yet she's not happy in the slightest.
Wade didn't believe a word she said. Caterina is deeply disappointed by that. She smiles anyways.]
I appreciate your promises and kind words as always. I must admit being left alone without Abel present is a fear of mine. Still I'd have much rather heard, 'You're right, Cat. That really was a foolish thing for me to think. I won't make that mistake again.' I suppose we can't always get what we want.
[She gently removes his hand from her face.] You really ought to rest and so should I. We'll check in on each other later.
I'm sorry, Cat. You've been so kind to me, all this time-- even knowing what I really am; what I look like. And I understand what you're trying to do for me. I do. It's just... I can't--
[He breaks off. Now is not the time for self-pity. The last thing Caterina needs is a mercenary feeling sorry for himself. He nods, and tries to ignore the strange thrill that arises at the feeling of his hand in hers.]
You're probably right. A few hours of sleep will do us both some good. You, uh... you sure you don't need anything else?
[Caterina mulls it over for a moment before smiling gently.] You don't owe me an apology. These things take time and I am confident I will win you over to my way of thinking.
[She squeezes his hand before releasing it.] You've done all you can for me. Worry about yourself for a little while.
[He doesn't want to leave her. He can't remember the desire to stay with someone being so strong before, and as always, it's for a selfish reason. It isn't just because she's now the only connection he has to Abel. It's also because leaving her will force him to be with his own thoughts, his own insecurities and obsessions of could-have-beens and if-I-had-only-done-thises and he knows if he thinks about it too hard-- thinks about Abel's kind face smiling at him though the good times and the bad-- he will lose it.
But it's wrong to keep her up like this-- he can tell by the weariness in her face that she's exhausted. No choice but to go their separate ways for now; give each other a chance to mourn in privacy.]
I'll do my best.
[It's really all he can say. Reluctantly, he releases her and steps back; attempts one final smile.]
Sleep well, Wade. [She returns the smile easily before heading back into her apartment and shutting the door quietly behind her. It'll be a miracle if she'll actually manage to get her nightgown back on before she passes out, but she sure will try.]
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[That random, ridiculous urge to kiss her rears its ugly head again, and it's a lot harder to suppress it this time. He wants to believe that it's purely out of a need to comfort her, but it isn't just that. He's still hurting, still so numb over Abel's death that he wants to lose himself in something, something that isn't violence and hatred and his own bitter self-loathing.
But he's too cowardly, too frightened of her rejection to even make a move like that.
Well, okay-- he also hasn't brushed his teeth yet. Common courtesy.Instead he merely places his hands on her shoulders; looks into her eyes with that same indomitable smile.]Don't worry, Cat. You can't hurt me. I'm practically indestructible, remember? [He chuckles. It sounds embarrassingly hollow, and eventually he lets it die. His eyes are serious now; contrite.]
I'm... sorry if I hurt you, though. I just... needed to talk to someone. Pretty selfish of me, I know. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I just thought that... [He trails off, unsure of how to even finish that sentence.]
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[She made her heart so hard that nothing could ever breach it. Caterina trails off as well now lost in her own thoughts. It suddenly occurs she's talking about Abel in the past tense. The thought unexpectedly fills her with overwhelming amount of grief. She starts sob uncontrollably. The sound startles her enough to bring her hands up to cover her face, deeply ashamed of losing control even for a moment. She doesn't even notice the fact her legs are getting weak and she'll probably fall at this rate.
It's finally sinking in that Abel isn't coming back this time. Caterina doesn't feel she's handling it with the amount of grace she should.]
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Oh... oh, Cat... please don't... don't...
[Wade's words hold a mixture of fear and pain; his voice is rough and broken. He doesn't think about the consequences of his actions-- doesn't think how anything but detachment could potentially completely change their professional relationship, if it hadn't been changed already. He doesn't even consider that maybe she would like to be alone as she had been last time, when he'd caught her crying with relief at his return.
He can't be detached anymore. All he's aware of, all he cares about in this moment... is her.
His arms wrap themselves around her, pulling her flush against his chest while his hands nestle deep into that hair, that beautiful golden hair that he's ashamed to admit he's dreamed about touching on numerous occasions.]
It's okay... I'm here. I know it hurts. I know.
[It's really the most honest thing he can say. How can he say anything else? How can he possibly lie to her and say things were going to be all right when his own tears are spilling freely and silently down his face? When the thought of Abel being dead brings more pain to him than any wound could ever inflict? He doesn't possess enough of an assassin's heart to be false with her like that.
He merely stands there, holding her tightly, and the only indication that his repose has broken at all is the slight but unmistakable hitching of his chest.]
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I'm sorry. [The guilt in her voice run as deep as the grief. She shouldn't be crying in front of him. This wrong. She's showing a weakness that can't be taken back later. What must he think of her? A dying, grief stricken woman who somehow managed to outlive those she held dear? Caterina can't help herself even as she thinks this. Now that she's started she doesn't know how to stop crying.]
I'm so sorry. [She should have kept a closer eye on Abel. She knew how foolish he was. It was inevitable without the Crusnik that this would happen. It's her fault they're grieving at all.]
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[Is this what people normally say to mourners? Wade doesn't know. He feels awkward-- he's not used to doing this sort of thing, but he knows this is what Caterina needs right now.]
You don't have to apologize. If spandex shrank from a few tears I would've been in big trouble after Titanic, let me tell you.
[Even when he's comforting someone, even when he's grieving himself, apparently his need to make crack jokes still marches on. Kind of ironic, really. Wade's hand moves through her hair in gentle strokes, his voice a comforting whisper in her ear.]
Just let it all out, Cat. I won't let you go. Not unless you ask me to.
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[Yet she's not pulling away or asking him to let go. Maybe he's not the only one who is selfish.]
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And you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to Abel. If you want to put the blame on anyone... put it all on me. Maybe if I'd been there with him, we both would've gotten out okay. Instead I just ran off on some stupid crusade after a guy who just refuses to die.
[The self-loathing in his voice is palpable.]
I'm sorry, Cat. Wasn't much help to you after all, was I? Couldn't even stop Kite from doing whatever he had planned for you. Maybe I'm the one who should've died back there.
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[She shakes her head and says with certainty.] Abel would never permit such a thing. I wouldn't see you dead either. Don't you see we'd be just as hurt if this had happened to you instead? One tragedy doesn't cancel out another.
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But he knows it isn't true. How often had Irene and Domino looked at him after Nate's death in that certain way they had? They never said anything, but he knew what they were thinking-- why had he been spared, a loudmouthed, morally questionable mercenary with more entries in the DSM than Jeffrey Dahmer? Why was he able to keep his life while the supposed savior of the modern world was chosen to sacrifice himself?
The worst thing is, Wade doesn't know either. It doesn't make any sense. And he can't help shaking this feeling that maybe there was something he was supposed to do-- some sort of sequence of events he should have put in motion to ensure that both Nate and Abel could have survived. He supposes he'll never stop thinking that way, not even ten years from now.
His head hurts, and the tightness in his chest has reached unbearable levels, but he still manages to smile down at the woman who needs him right now, one of the first people who, from the outset, treated him like he was an actual person and not some loose cannon to be kept on a leash at all times. He cups her face in a gentle hand, marveling at how the tears have brightened her eyes; how small and fragile she looks now.]
You're so kind, Cat. You know that? Can't say I've met many people who've been as kind to me as you've been. I'm gonna try my best to make it up to you. I don't know how yet, but... if there's anything you might need, I won't be far away. You won't be alone. I promise.
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Wade didn't believe a word she said. Caterina is deeply disappointed by that. She smiles anyways.]
I appreciate your promises and kind words as always. I must admit being left alone without Abel present is a fear of mine. Still I'd have much rather heard, 'You're right, Cat. That really was a foolish thing for me to think. I won't make that mistake again.' I suppose we can't always get what we want.
[She gently removes his hand from her face.] You really ought to rest and so should I. We'll check in on each other later.
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I'm sorry, Cat. You've been so kind to me, all this time-- even knowing what I really am; what I look like. And I understand what you're trying to do for me. I do. It's just... I can't--
[He breaks off. Now is not the time for self-pity. The last thing Caterina needs is a mercenary feeling sorry for himself. He nods, and tries to ignore the strange thrill that arises at the feeling of his hand in hers.]
You're probably right. A few hours of sleep will do us both some good. You, uh... you sure you don't need anything else?
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[She squeezes his hand before releasing it.] You've done all you can for me. Worry about yourself for a little while.
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But it's wrong to keep her up like this-- he can tell by the weariness in her face that she's exhausted. No choice but to go their separate ways for now; give each other a chance to mourn in privacy.]
I'll do my best.
[It's really all he can say. Reluctantly, he releases her and steps back; attempts one final smile.]
Sleep well, Caterina.
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