In this post, you have the option to either meet Caterina in person or leave her an audio or video message. State which you want and I will happily follow your lead.
Twelve. [She carefully wipes her face. Some of her hair had stuck to the wetness. Oddly enough she has the presence of mind to be embarrassed by it.] I was mature for my age.
[That's the part he must wonder about. What normal child could even string together a coherent sentence after that much less make a promise and hold to it for the next decade?]
[Strangely enough, that's a concept that's never crossed his mind. He lets out a breathy sigh, looks up into the slowly lightening sky.]
...I was eleven. Ovarian cancer, the doctors called it, even though I was too young to know what that meant at the time. It was... quick. She never even told us that she had it until...
[He stops, presses his lips tightly together.]
It's not nearly as bad as what you went through, obviously. And I'm not telling you this to get sympathy or to have a pissing contest with angsty backstories or whatever. I... honestly I've only told this story to a few people. I'm telling you this because... I wasn't mature. I couldn't deal with it. I just... shut down, I guess. Maybe if I had a friend like Abel back then, I would've...
[He shakes his head. There's no point in dwelling on could-have-beens. Wade turns to face her.]
You're an amazing woman, Caterina. You might not think you are, but I know a lot of people who've gone through half the things you've gone through and don't even have a quarter of the strength that you have. For what it's worth... I think Abel would've been very proud of you.
[He hesitantly reaches up as if to brush away the lingering tears on her face, but in the end simply lets his hand fall back to her shoulders. His eyes are serious.]
And... look. I know it probably doesn't mean much coming from someone like me, but... if you let me, I'll try my best to be at least half the friend that Abel was for you. That's a promise.
[Her eyes soften. Even if it was a less violent end for his mother, Caterina's heart goes out to him all the same. It's a difficult thing to grow up without a mother's love. He may not want sympathy, but Wade surely has it.
Her eyes are glassy again as she smiles in amusement at that last part. Caterina has an idea of how he sees himself, but it doesn't mesh her view at all. She meets his eyes and tries not to laugh at his choice of words.]
A person like you... Perhaps your work may not be the most noble, but I don't think less of you for it. Your friendship does have great value to me and I could use a friend as half as good as Abel.
[She bites down on her lip for a moment before confessing.] I really don't know how I can manage without him. A person like me isn't made to live in a world like this. I really don't know what's next for me or anyone else.
[The raw, naked look in her eyes compels him to tell the truth.]
I don't know either. Frankly I'm surprised every time I wake up to see another day. But... I'm gonna give you the same promise I gave Abel. Whatever's comin' our way, you won't have to go through it alone. We can be together in this, you 'n me.
I mean, it's the least I can do to pay you back for puttin' up with me, huh?
[His mouth stretches in a grin that is equal parts sheepish and hopeful. It's the type of grin that says, I'm not really all that good at this, but I'm trying. Is it enough?]
"Putting up with you." [Caterina shakes her head and meets his gaze again with a gentle smile. It doesn't compare to what Alec would receive, but that doesn't make it any less kind.]
You really are a silly man. If you're not careful, someone will end up believing that talk someday and think of you as a burden. Fortunately, I am not one of them. It's not nearly as dramatic as the promise I shared with Abel, but I accept. Let's stay together and help each other along for as long as we can.
["A lot of people already do." This is the answer that is on his lips, the answer he refuses to speak for fear of seeming like someone looking for pity. His tone may have been facetious, but the meaning behind them was not. He's just glad Caterina has decided to open up to him, to forgo what would have been an easy decision to isolate herself with her own feelings.
He knows that was what she wanted to do, because it was a desire he had fought against himself. But Abel had taught him that it wasn't good to keep things bottled up inside, and that lesson hasn't exactly left with Abel's death. Deadpool's trying, at least. And what better way to honor Abel's memory than to attempt to comfort one of his dearest friends?
With a gentle smile he raises a hand to her, palm up, wordlessly inviting her to place her own hand in his.]
Thanks, Cat. I'll, uh... I mean, I can walk you back to your room, if you want.
[Caterina gives it with a fond smile. It is the kind of thing Abel would do if he were here. He never did understand the importance of professional distance even when it could get her into trouble. If nothing else, she is allowed to act like a normal woman here without any consequences.]
I would like that. It's not really safe for a young woman to be walking around this time of morning by herself you know. [Caterina smiles teasingly. She appreciates the offer even if she's certain nothing would happen.]
Exactly. I'll be happy to be your knight in shining armor a little bit more before I pass out. Those last two days were a killer, let me tell you.
[Not to mention he's still feeling shooting pains in his stomach. Thankfully he's had much worse injuries, so even an intense bellyache is easy enough to suppress. Kinda perplexing, though-- he doesn't remember eating anything that could warrant that kind of reaction. Better not be an ulcer or something, though he doesn't think ulcers would make a person dizzy.
Slipping his mask back on his head, he walks back with her to the apartment building. The first floor has been more or less cleaned up, but there's still quite a bit of mess, and he gently guides her through the debris and up the stairs. All too soon they're at Caterina's apartment.]
Well, here we are. Try to get some sleep, okay Cat? You look all in.
[The pot's calling the kettle black, certainly. And he still hasn't let go of her hand.]
[Caterina notices that much and doesn't hesitate to call him out on it. It's in a good nature manner at least.]
Says the man who was sick not too long ago. You really should care a little more about yourself. [A beat before she asks mildly,] If I were to ask you to take care of yourself at least for today, would you? I'd rest a little easier if I didn't have to worry about your health.
Would you bring me soup if I say yes? Think I might be able to shake off... whatever the hell this is... faster if I had a beautiful woman hovering over me. Healing properties and all that, y'know.
[Caterina lets out a soft laugh.] While I'm glad your ability to charm hasn't been diminished, I'd likely kill you or myself with anything I attempted to cook.
[Deadpool nods again, already feeling weariness sink into his shoulders. He gives her an encouraging smile.]
I should be fine after some shuteye. Nothin' eight or nine hours of sleep won't fix, I'm sure. Oh, and uh... thanks, Cat. For... y'know. Letting me in like that.
It's... [Nothing? No, they both know that's a lie.] You're welcome. [She hesitates a moment before adding guiltily.] I apologize if I caused you any pain earlier. That couldn't be any further from my intentions toward you.
[That random, ridiculous urge to kiss her rears its ugly head again, and it's a lot harder to suppress it this time. He wants to believe that it's purely out of a need to comfort her, but it isn't just that. He's still hurting, still so numb over Abel's death that he wants to lose himself in something, something that isn't violence and hatred and his own bitter self-loathing.
But he's too cowardly, too frightened of her rejection to even make a move like that. Well, okay-- he also hasn't brushed his teeth yet. Common courtesy. Instead he merely places his hands on her shoulders; looks into her eyes with that same indomitable smile.]
Don't worry, Cat. You can't hurt me. I'm practically indestructible, remember? [He chuckles. It sounds embarrassingly hollow, and eventually he lets it die. His eyes are serious now; contrite.]
I'm... sorry if I hurt you, though. I just... needed to talk to someone. Pretty selfish of me, I know. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I just thought that... [He trails off, unsure of how to even finish that sentence.]
[She smiles bitterly and looks off to the side. Her tone is deceptively casual at first.] Perhaps it was, but Abel always lectured me about closing myself off here. Foolishly, I rarely listened to him. Now that he... won't be here any longer I don't really have anyone to turn to the way I could him. He saw me before...
[She made her heart so hard that nothing could ever breach it. Caterina trails off as well now lost in her own thoughts. It suddenly occurs she's talking about Abel in the past tense. The thought unexpectedly fills her with overwhelming amount of grief. She starts sob uncontrollably. The sound startles her enough to bring her hands up to cover her face, deeply ashamed of losing control even for a moment. She doesn't even notice the fact her legs are getting weak and she'll probably fall at this rate.
It's finally sinking in that Abel isn't coming back this time. Caterina doesn't feel she's handling it with the amount of grace she should.]
[Wade stares at her as she folds in on herself, his heart pounding with terror. He's never seen her like this before-- hell, he never realized she could just completely fall apart like this. How could he be so stupid? He'd spent all this time asserting that she more than just her status as a Cardinal and yet this display of grief for her best friend's death completely snows him.]
Oh... oh, Cat... please don't... don't...
[Wade's words hold a mixture of fear and pain; his voice is rough and broken. He doesn't think about the consequences of his actions-- doesn't think how anything but detachment could potentially completely change their professional relationship, if it hadn't been changed already. He doesn't even consider that maybe she would like to be alone as she had been last time, when he'd caught her crying with relief at his return.
He can't be detached anymore. All he's aware of, all he cares about in this moment... is her.
His arms wrap themselves around her, pulling her flush against his chest while his hands nestle deep into that hair, that beautiful golden hair that he's ashamed to admit he's dreamed about touching on numerous occasions.]
It's okay... I'm here. I know it hurts. I know.
[It's really the most honest thing he can say. How can he say anything else? How can he possibly lie to her and say things were going to be all right when his own tears are spilling freely and silently down his face? When the thought of Abel being dead brings more pain to him than any wound could ever inflict? He doesn't possess enough of an assassin's heart to be false with her like that.
He merely stands there, holding her tightly, and the only indication that his repose has broken at all is the slight but unmistakable hitching of his chest.]
[Caterina doesn't fight the pull; she sinks into it desperately in fact. She's so lonely and tired. For the moment all she wants to do is escape that feeling.]
I'm sorry. [The guilt in her voice run as deep as the grief. She shouldn't be crying in front of him. This wrong. She's showing a weakness that can't be taken back later. What must he think of her? A dying, grief stricken woman who somehow managed to outlive those she held dear? Caterina can't help herself even as she thinks this. Now that she's started she doesn't know how to stop crying.]
I'm so sorry. [She should have kept a closer eye on Abel. She knew how foolish he was. It was inevitable without the Crusnik that this would happen. It's her fault they're grieving at all.]
[Is this what people normally say to mourners? Wade doesn't know. He feels awkward-- he's not used to doing this sort of thing, but he knows this is what Caterina needs right now.]
You don't have to apologize. If spandex shrank from a few tears I would've been in big trouble after Titanic, let me tell you.
[Even when he's comforting someone, even when he's grieving himself, apparently his need to make crack jokes still marches on. Kind of ironic, really. Wade's hand moves through her hair in gentle strokes, his voice a comforting whisper in her ear.]
Just let it all out, Cat. I won't let you go. Not unless you ask me to.
It's not. [She tries to wipe her tears in vain while still crying.] I shouldn't be burdening you like this and Abel... I should have taken better care of him. Had I been stronger things wouldn't have come to this. I don't deserve anyone's comfort.
[Yet she's not pulling away or asking him to let go. Maybe he's not the only one who is selfish.]
That's not true. [His arms encircle her more tightly as if to cement that declaration.] You're not a burden on me. Not at all. Didn't I already tell you it was okay to cry?
And you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to Abel. If you want to put the blame on anyone... put it all on me. Maybe if I'd been there with him, we both would've gotten out okay. Instead I just ran off on some stupid crusade after a guy who just refuses to die.
[The self-loathing in his voice is palpable.]
I'm sorry, Cat. Wasn't much help to you after all, was I? Couldn't even stop Kite from doing whatever he had planned for you. Maybe I'm the one who should've died back there.
What? No, Wade. [She looks up at him both alarmed and deeply troubled by his admission.] You mustn't say things like that much less believe them. It's alright to have regrets, but suggesting that...
[She shakes her head and says with certainty.] Abel would never permit such a thing. I wouldn't see you dead either. Don't you see we'd be just as hurt if this had happened to you instead? One tragedy doesn't cancel out another.
[One tragedy doesn't cancel out another. It's a beautiful sentiment, to be sure-- the idea that every life is sacred, and the trading of one life for another has no benefit.
But he knows it isn't true. How often had Irene and Domino looked at him after Nate's death in that certain way they had? They never said anything, but he knew what they were thinking-- why had he been spared, a loudmouthed, morally questionable mercenary with more entries in the DSM than Jeffrey Dahmer? Why was he able to keep his life while the supposed savior of the modern world was chosen to sacrifice himself?
The worst thing is, Wade doesn't know either. It doesn't make any sense. And he can't help shaking this feeling that maybe there was something he was supposed to do-- some sort of sequence of events he should have put in motion to ensure that both Nate and Abel could have survived. He supposes he'll never stop thinking that way, not even ten years from now.
His head hurts, and the tightness in his chest has reached unbearable levels, but he still manages to smile down at the woman who needs him right now, one of the first people who, from the outset, treated him like he was an actual person and not some loose cannon to be kept on a leash at all times. He cups her face in a gentle hand, marveling at how the tears have brightened her eyes; how small and fragile she looks now.]
You're so kind, Cat. You know that? Can't say I've met many people who've been as kind to me as you've been. I'm gonna try my best to make it up to you. I don't know how yet, but... if there's anything you might need, I won't be far away. You won't be alone. I promise.
[That should make her happy. Revenge may have blinded him back at the hospital, but otherwise he's been reliable. He doesn't ask for anything. This is exactly what she needs with Abel gone now and yet she's not happy in the slightest.
Wade didn't believe a word she said. Caterina is deeply disappointed by that. She smiles anyways.]
I appreciate your promises and kind words as always. I must admit being left alone without Abel present is a fear of mine. Still I'd have much rather heard, 'You're right, Cat. That really was a foolish thing for me to think. I won't make that mistake again.' I suppose we can't always get what we want.
[She gently removes his hand from her face.] You really ought to rest and so should I. We'll check in on each other later.
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[That's the part he must wonder about. What normal child could even string together a coherent sentence after that much less make a promise and hold to it for the next decade?]
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...I was eleven. Ovarian cancer, the doctors called it, even though I was too young to know what that meant at the time. It was... quick. She never even told us that she had it until...
[He stops, presses his lips tightly together.]
It's not nearly as bad as what you went through, obviously. And I'm not telling you this to get sympathy or to have a pissing contest with angsty backstories or whatever. I... honestly I've only told this story to a few people. I'm telling you this because... I wasn't mature. I couldn't deal with it. I just... shut down, I guess. Maybe if I had a friend like Abel back then, I would've...
[He shakes his head. There's no point in dwelling on could-have-beens. Wade turns to face her.]
You're an amazing woman, Caterina. You might not think you are, but I know a lot of people who've gone through half the things you've gone through and don't even have a quarter of the strength that you have. For what it's worth... I think Abel would've been very proud of you.
[He hesitantly reaches up as if to brush away the lingering tears on her face, but in the end simply lets his hand fall back to her shoulders. His eyes are serious.]
And... look. I know it probably doesn't mean much coming from someone like me, but... if you let me, I'll try my best to be at least half the friend that Abel was for you. That's a promise.
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Her eyes are glassy again as she smiles in amusement at that last part. Caterina has an idea of how he sees himself, but it doesn't mesh her view at all. She meets his eyes and tries not to laugh at his choice of words.]
A person like you... Perhaps your work may not be the most noble, but I don't think less of you for it. Your friendship does have great value to me and I could use a friend as half as good as Abel.
[She bites down on her lip for a moment before confessing.] I really don't know how I can manage without him. A person like me isn't made to live in a world like this. I really don't know what's next for me or anyone else.
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I don't know either. Frankly I'm surprised every time I wake up to see another day. But... I'm gonna give you the same promise I gave Abel. Whatever's comin' our way, you won't have to go through it alone. We can be together in this, you 'n me.
I mean, it's the least I can do to pay you back for puttin' up with me, huh?
[His mouth stretches in a grin that is equal parts sheepish and hopeful. It's the type of grin that says, I'm not really all that good at this, but I'm trying. Is it enough?]
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You really are a silly man. If you're not careful, someone will end up believing that talk someday and think of you as a burden. Fortunately, I am not one of them. It's not nearly as dramatic as the promise I shared with Abel, but I accept. Let's stay together and help each other along for as long as we can.
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He knows that was what she wanted to do, because it was a desire he had fought against himself. But Abel had taught him that it wasn't good to keep things bottled up inside, and that lesson hasn't exactly left with Abel's death. Deadpool's trying, at least. And what better way to honor Abel's memory than to attempt to comfort one of his dearest friends?
With a gentle smile he raises a hand to her, palm up, wordlessly inviting her to place her own hand in his.]
Thanks, Cat. I'll, uh... I mean, I can walk you back to your room, if you want.
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I would like that. It's not really safe for a young woman to be walking around this time of morning by herself you know. [Caterina smiles teasingly. She appreciates the offer even if she's certain nothing would happen.]
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[Not to mention he's still feeling shooting pains in his stomach. Thankfully he's had much worse injuries, so even an intense bellyache is easy enough to suppress. Kinda perplexing, though-- he doesn't remember eating anything that could warrant that kind of reaction. Better not be an ulcer or something, though he doesn't think ulcers would make a person dizzy.
Slipping his mask back on his head, he walks back with her to the apartment building. The first floor has been more or less cleaned up, but there's still quite a bit of mess, and he gently guides her through the debris and up the stairs. All too soon they're at Caterina's apartment.]
Well, here we are. Try to get some sleep, okay Cat? You look all in.
[The pot's calling the kettle black, certainly. And he still hasn't let go of her hand.]
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Says the man who was sick not too long ago. You really should care a little more about yourself. [A beat before she asks mildly,] If I were to ask you to take care of yourself at least for today, would you? I'd rest a little easier if I didn't have to worry about your health.
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Would you bring me soup if I say yes? Think I might be able to shake off... whatever the hell this is... faster if I had a beautiful woman hovering over me. Healing properties and all that, y'know.
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[But he concedes her point with a short nod of his head.]
How about just the pleasure of your company, then? Once you get some sleep, of course.
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I should be fine after some shuteye. Nothin' eight or nine hours of sleep won't fix, I'm sure. Oh, and uh... thanks, Cat. For... y'know. Letting me in like that.
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[That random, ridiculous urge to kiss her rears its ugly head again, and it's a lot harder to suppress it this time. He wants to believe that it's purely out of a need to comfort her, but it isn't just that. He's still hurting, still so numb over Abel's death that he wants to lose himself in something, something that isn't violence and hatred and his own bitter self-loathing.
But he's too cowardly, too frightened of her rejection to even make a move like that.
Well, okay-- he also hasn't brushed his teeth yet. Common courtesy.Instead he merely places his hands on her shoulders; looks into her eyes with that same indomitable smile.]Don't worry, Cat. You can't hurt me. I'm practically indestructible, remember? [He chuckles. It sounds embarrassingly hollow, and eventually he lets it die. His eyes are serious now; contrite.]
I'm... sorry if I hurt you, though. I just... needed to talk to someone. Pretty selfish of me, I know. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to. I just thought that... [He trails off, unsure of how to even finish that sentence.]
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[She made her heart so hard that nothing could ever breach it. Caterina trails off as well now lost in her own thoughts. It suddenly occurs she's talking about Abel in the past tense. The thought unexpectedly fills her with overwhelming amount of grief. She starts sob uncontrollably. The sound startles her enough to bring her hands up to cover her face, deeply ashamed of losing control even for a moment. She doesn't even notice the fact her legs are getting weak and she'll probably fall at this rate.
It's finally sinking in that Abel isn't coming back this time. Caterina doesn't feel she's handling it with the amount of grace she should.]
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Oh... oh, Cat... please don't... don't...
[Wade's words hold a mixture of fear and pain; his voice is rough and broken. He doesn't think about the consequences of his actions-- doesn't think how anything but detachment could potentially completely change their professional relationship, if it hadn't been changed already. He doesn't even consider that maybe she would like to be alone as she had been last time, when he'd caught her crying with relief at his return.
He can't be detached anymore. All he's aware of, all he cares about in this moment... is her.
His arms wrap themselves around her, pulling her flush against his chest while his hands nestle deep into that hair, that beautiful golden hair that he's ashamed to admit he's dreamed about touching on numerous occasions.]
It's okay... I'm here. I know it hurts. I know.
[It's really the most honest thing he can say. How can he say anything else? How can he possibly lie to her and say things were going to be all right when his own tears are spilling freely and silently down his face? When the thought of Abel being dead brings more pain to him than any wound could ever inflict? He doesn't possess enough of an assassin's heart to be false with her like that.
He merely stands there, holding her tightly, and the only indication that his repose has broken at all is the slight but unmistakable hitching of his chest.]
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I'm sorry. [The guilt in her voice run as deep as the grief. She shouldn't be crying in front of him. This wrong. She's showing a weakness that can't be taken back later. What must he think of her? A dying, grief stricken woman who somehow managed to outlive those she held dear? Caterina can't help herself even as she thinks this. Now that she's started she doesn't know how to stop crying.]
I'm so sorry. [She should have kept a closer eye on Abel. She knew how foolish he was. It was inevitable without the Crusnik that this would happen. It's her fault they're grieving at all.]
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[Is this what people normally say to mourners? Wade doesn't know. He feels awkward-- he's not used to doing this sort of thing, but he knows this is what Caterina needs right now.]
You don't have to apologize. If spandex shrank from a few tears I would've been in big trouble after Titanic, let me tell you.
[Even when he's comforting someone, even when he's grieving himself, apparently his need to make crack jokes still marches on. Kind of ironic, really. Wade's hand moves through her hair in gentle strokes, his voice a comforting whisper in her ear.]
Just let it all out, Cat. I won't let you go. Not unless you ask me to.
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[Yet she's not pulling away or asking him to let go. Maybe he's not the only one who is selfish.]
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And you shouldn't blame yourself for what happened to Abel. If you want to put the blame on anyone... put it all on me. Maybe if I'd been there with him, we both would've gotten out okay. Instead I just ran off on some stupid crusade after a guy who just refuses to die.
[The self-loathing in his voice is palpable.]
I'm sorry, Cat. Wasn't much help to you after all, was I? Couldn't even stop Kite from doing whatever he had planned for you. Maybe I'm the one who should've died back there.
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[She shakes her head and says with certainty.] Abel would never permit such a thing. I wouldn't see you dead either. Don't you see we'd be just as hurt if this had happened to you instead? One tragedy doesn't cancel out another.
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But he knows it isn't true. How often had Irene and Domino looked at him after Nate's death in that certain way they had? They never said anything, but he knew what they were thinking-- why had he been spared, a loudmouthed, morally questionable mercenary with more entries in the DSM than Jeffrey Dahmer? Why was he able to keep his life while the supposed savior of the modern world was chosen to sacrifice himself?
The worst thing is, Wade doesn't know either. It doesn't make any sense. And he can't help shaking this feeling that maybe there was something he was supposed to do-- some sort of sequence of events he should have put in motion to ensure that both Nate and Abel could have survived. He supposes he'll never stop thinking that way, not even ten years from now.
His head hurts, and the tightness in his chest has reached unbearable levels, but he still manages to smile down at the woman who needs him right now, one of the first people who, from the outset, treated him like he was an actual person and not some loose cannon to be kept on a leash at all times. He cups her face in a gentle hand, marveling at how the tears have brightened her eyes; how small and fragile she looks now.]
You're so kind, Cat. You know that? Can't say I've met many people who've been as kind to me as you've been. I'm gonna try my best to make it up to you. I don't know how yet, but... if there's anything you might need, I won't be far away. You won't be alone. I promise.
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Wade didn't believe a word she said. Caterina is deeply disappointed by that. She smiles anyways.]
I appreciate your promises and kind words as always. I must admit being left alone without Abel present is a fear of mine. Still I'd have much rather heard, 'You're right, Cat. That really was a foolish thing for me to think. I won't make that mistake again.' I suppose we can't always get what we want.
[She gently removes his hand from her face.] You really ought to rest and so should I. We'll check in on each other later.
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